well, like i mentioned before, i went to conan. and it was amazing. just as amazing as when i went to the late late show. that was different though. while i don’t really watch conan too often, and craig ferguson is one of my favoritest people ever, i’m not sure which one i had more fun at. waiting for craig ferguson was the most amazing thing, and to see him, my favorite host ever, in person, so close and so raw, it was just surreal. i was with two cousins, one who i rarely see and the other who i see even less. it was so fun but at the same time it could have been less awkward. not that i felt awkward while there, just that i would have been more comfortable had i got with people i was more accustomed to being with. someone who i wasn’t afraid to cry in front of, because while there i wanted so desperately to cry of joy and i had to restrain myself.
conan was different because for one, i was with my childhood bestfriend and her boyfriend. we were alone, and it was our first trip that far by ourselves, together. we did what we wanted. being comfortable made it that much more great. it was special. i was less excited about seeing conan, especially since i had been to a show before. i was excited, sure, i was happy. but i couldn’t seem to get as excited as i felt for craig ferguson. i wanted to go but i wouldn’t have cried if i didn’t. we got to sit in the front row, where there were no barriers between us. us being the audience and the hosts. conan was there, andy richter, neil patrick harris, kate micucci, yuna, yeah. it was great. the band talked to us (well, more like to my friend’s boyfriend who was sitting at the end seat. he got to hold the trumpet (i’m not sure what the instrument was) for a second). the camera guy who was in front of us, when he was doing looking at his paper once the show was nearing its end, just simply handed my friend the schedule and we got to keep it. well, he did. it was pretty cool though i was a bit jealous. also, this time we had to walk through the WB studios and we got to see a lot of neat stuff. we saw the living room from 2 and a half men. i touched a lot of people’s cars. saw trailers. saw the friends stage. and might i say, conan has a lovely studio! craig’s was disappointing compared to conan’s, though i hear that craig is getting an upgrade! good for him!
again, seeing a show be made like magic inspires me. i’m really wanting to step into that field but i’m not sure where or how. it’s so broad. i want to write, i want to act. i’m thinking about getting into theatre but i’m not sure. it’s difficult. i have terrible anxiety. but if i want to succeed in a place like this, i need to learn to be assertive. maybe taking a drama class will help. or maybe not. i took drama in freshman year of high school and i wanted to kill myself. i had a fun yet terrible time. it’s something i’m now looking into.
also, one of my friend’s was in a real tv commercial for national university…what the hell?
Anxiety disorders are like elephants. I found this video humorous and helpful.
i guess life has just been keeping me busy. i hope to be able to get on tumblr more often. i haven’t had an ideal access to the internet for the past couple weeks so it’s been difficult. but lo and behold, here i am!
and i’m doing good. i’m not sure where i left off in my last post but my recovery is going well i’d say. i feel a lot better than i ever did before. i stopped going to Rapid Recovery at the doctor’s office and began one at my college. i went two weeks, said i would be back and never went back. it’s very repetitive, it’s the same thing every wednesday so i decided to not continue it. i know the process of CBT well enough now that if i wanted to, i could do it on my own. besides, i have piles of informative paperwork that i have accumulated over time. not only that, but i bought a self-book book at the doctor’s when i was there for my last appointment. it was a book the people at RR told me about and i figured it might be worth the 10 bucks it cost to get it. i have only done one section of it but i’m sure it’s helpful. it’s quite interesting really. i’ve just been pretty good lately so i haven’t felt the need to bother with it. i figured i might as well save it for a time when i actually need it.
which brings me to my next point. I FEEL GOOD, dunna dunna dunna nah! i knew that i would ~
ok, seriously. maybe not THAT good but, i do feel good. it’s kind of scary really. not that feeling good and feeling happy and content with my life does not feel natural (it does, in a way) but…well, how do i explain this? i had a brief conversation about this with my friend rachel who also has OCD. she’s also been feeling good. she says perhaps things are getting better for us. i do believe things have changed. they have changed dramatically. i think back to how i was say, two months ago and wow. i’m a completely different person living a completely different life. and yet, here i am, i’m still me and this is still my life. it’s hard to explain.
i like to think of life as a rollercoaster, as most people i’m sure do as well. we have our ups and downs and sometimes we have fun and sometimes we get scared and sometimes there are loops and our lives turn upside down. usually i’m a mixture of the two, good and bad. every now and then i get really down and every now and then i get really the opposite. which is kind of bipolar in nature now that i think of it. i’m not saying that i am bipolar but i don’t know, i can kind of associate it with this case. i have highs and i have lows and when i’m low, i’m really low, and when i’m high, i am REALLY high. which is what has been happening with me lately. i’ve been very high. that’s not to say that i don’t still have bad days, because i do. but i deal better. i care less about things. i have more fun. i’m blindly content, it’s euphoric really. which is great because it feels good to be content but the part that concerns me is the idea i cannot control this contentness and that i’m SO content with everything that everything in the past is completely unrelated and irrelevant to my life now.
i was doing fine. i went to LA to see a taping of my favorite talk show and then that propelled me even higher. i’ve been sailing steady ever since then. spring break is next week and i’m going with some friends to another taping of a different show and i feel that will trigger me to keep sailing steady. i like that but, i feel like i’m not in control of this. i don’t want to make myself more depressed than i already am, but i feel like i need to get back to reality and come down to earth. i’m on a high. i’m literally high on life. as much as it is good for me to feel happy for once, i think this is a little extreme. i can’t be better…not yet. ever? i don’t know if i can be cured from this. i don’t think so. things like this are just too complicated. however, for some reason i can’t let myself be happy. i’m not better and i might never will be. and that’s ok. i’m not sad about that. it’s something i accepted a long time ago. i’m just confused now. i don’t know where things are going anymore. i can’t control the way that i’m feeling.
does this make sense? it’s not that i don’t want to say i’m getting better because i don’t want to be better, but because it’s just not possible to recover this quick. i’m just in a trial period. i’m in remission. i don’t know. feeling good is not the problem. the problem is, when i get on one of my highs, it lasts for a long time whether i like it or not (i do, i like it a lot) and i stop caring about things that are important. i feel like i can just move on because i’m “over” everything. i feel like i can just stop being sick, as if i was the one who made myself sick, or if i was pretending. i feel like i don’t need therapy. i feel like i don’t need anyone’s help anymore. i just feel fine.
that’s what i’m talking about. it’s bipolar in nature! i’m euphorically high and i don’t even care about anything anymore!
when my high wears off, which i think it might soon, since i’m already wearing myself down thinking about it (although, i probably won’t come back down to earth until after spring break), it’s not gonna be pretty.
extreme highs and lows. oh god, i’m so paranoid. i’m such a hypochondriac. is this normal for someone going through what i’m going through, or is this actually part of being bipolar? i’m a little bit suspicious that i have it now. perhaps this is something to talk about at my next session.
whenever that may be…
i mean, i’m really trying to think about this. if we’re friends, we’re supposed to be there for each other, right? i have a friend who has been like a sister to me since we were 8 years old. we met in some apartments and now so many years later we live in the same building again. i don’t see her too often because i don’t see anyone too often (my fault i guess) but really, i’ve noticed that she especially, she is supposed to be my friend and she never asks me if i’m okay.
i just don’t understand.
she’s the friend who picked me up that one night where everyone was high and i was extremely uncomfortable. we were texting this morning on the way to school about how unmotivated we are. i had a really bad night last night…there were many tears involved. that was the first time i got to de-stress in a while so it was good for me but it left me completely exhausted afterwards. when i woke up this morning my eyes were still tired and as usual, i was unmotivated to do anything but i did it anyway.
after talking to my friend about how i would drop out if i could but i know that it’s a stupid idea and i can’t do it, she suddenly asked if i thought i was depressed. it came kind of as a surprise but i don’t think she was asking solely because she was concerned for my well being. i think she asked because we were going through similar things and she thinks she’s depressed too. i told her i knew i was depressed and then made it known that i’ve been going to therapy because i had an emotional breakdown. it was actually not awkward…she understood and i convinced her to consider it herself. the entire day i just felt a lot closer to her. i could mention it and not feel too weird about it. she doesn’t really know the reasons why i’m there (i think i mentioned it before that i had ocd but i don’t think she remembers or understands the severity). at least now i’ve another person who understands what i’m going through.
also, while waiting for class to start i saw a flyer that said “too shy?” it was for a socializing workshop to help with anxiety and speaking publicly and stuff. it’s wednesdays (the day that i was supposed to go to anxiety group) and it’s right before my spanish class…so i can make it no problem. i’m considering going tomorrow to check it out but i’m not sure. i guess there is no harm in seeing what it’s like. it might end up helping me.
i have an exam tomorrow for spanish and on thursday i’ve got a humanities test. and i’ve got to start working on my big paper which is apparently due next week. i’m still behind in my reading and i’ve gotten so lazy and so unorganized…i don’t know how i’m going to survive this semester. i feel so stuck and yet…i know that i can’t quit. i have to make decisions for later because i know if i made decisions based on how i feel now, i would get nowhere.
